The Happiness Project

Eighteen Tips that Aren't, It Turns Out, From a Churchyard.

I was over at a friend’s house – for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact – where I saw her framed copy of “Desiderata.” (“Desiderata” is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.

I always thought Desiderata was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.

1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.

My favorite is #18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy -- that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!

Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:

Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Which item do you find most important in your own life?

* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.

* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.

Francis Ford Coppola's Insight About Sin.

A smart friend told me that I had to read The Conversations: Walter Murch and the Art of Editing Film by Michael Ondaatje. Even though this wasn’t a topic in which I had much interest, he spoke so highly of it that I decided to read it.

He was right. It's a fascinating book, on many levels. I love finding a book like this – which gives me entry into an entirely new world (sound and film editing, in this case) and also insight into a great creative mind like Walter Murch. There are a lot of almost throw-away lines that really struck me. I've quoted Murch for my weekly happiness quotation..

Another provocative line appeared in the book's discussion of The Conversation, a movie written and directed by Francis Ford Coppola, with Murch as the supervising editor and sound designer.

Coppola’s notes for the script of The Conversation include this line:
There is always the idea that the sins a man performs are not the same as the ones he thinks he has performed…

What does this mean, exactly? How do we take this observation into account as we reflect on our actions?

Are the sins I think I’m performing not the ones I think I performed? Very likely. How, then, does one become virtuous? What do you think?

* Last week I had coffee with Amanda Freeman, a friend who is one of the creative minds behind Vital Juice, the free daily email that gives info about fitness, nutrition, health, etc. Funny and useful.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

Dracula's Bram Stoker Interviews Churchill? About Happiness?

I find Winston Churchill inexhaustibly fascinating, which is why I wrote his biography, so I was pleased – and surprised – to find, as an Appendix to my Penguin Classics copy of Bram Stoker’s legendary novel, Dracula, the transcript of an interview Stoker did with Churchill in 1908. At that point, Stoker was trying to make it as a journalist, and the 34-year-old Churchill was British Under Secretary for the Colonies.

One of the striking things about Churchill is that he met the most astonishing range of people – everyone from Coco Chanel to Mark Twain to Greta Garbo to Billy Graham to Buffalo Bill. In Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I include a list of many of the people he met, and I wish I’d known to add Bram Stoker’s name. What a strange combo.

In the interview, I was also particularly interested to see Churchill giving his view on happiness.

Churchill observed to Stoker, “A man must choose his own way of life, and…it is only by following out one’s own bent that there can be the really harmonious life.” [This is EXACTLY what I mean by my First Commandment, to Be Gretchen].

When Stoker asked what exactly he meant by that, Churchill continued, “Harmonious life. A life when a man’s work is also his pleasure and vice versa. That conjunction, joined with a buoyant temperament, makes the best of worldly gifts.”

“Why buoyant temperament? I merely ask for information.”

“Simply because it implies a lot of other things: good health and strength, for instance. The great majority of human beings have to work the greater part of the day, and then amuse themselves afterwards – if they are not too tired. But the lucky few derive their keenest interest and enjoyment not from any contrast between business and idle hours – but from the work itself. But certainly physical health has a good deal to do with it.”

Churchill is talking about something bigger than physical energy, but it's true that having lots of energy helps boost happiness. Life just seems more manageable, and it's easier to do the things -- like exercise, make plans with other people, work on projects -- that support happiness.

Studies show that you’re more likely to feel good about yourself when you feel energetic, and being considered an “energizer” makes you far more likely to win a positive work evaluation.

Harmonious life and a buoyant temperament -- yes, that sounds like a good recipe for a happy life. It's not easy to do much about your inborn temperament; we probably have a lot more influence over creating a harmonious life.

Ah, Churchill! Now I must go re-read some of my favorite bits of Their Finest Hour.

* The nice folks at Happier.com have officially launched. Lots of great tools and test there to measure, track, and improve your happiness.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

"The Hardest Victory Is Over Self."

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.”
--Aristotle

* Fascinating post on Starfish Envy about "numbness." Numbness is a very helpful term for a particular state of mind, and the post really got me thinking.

* Have you pre-ordered your copy of The Happiness Project? No? Well, here's your chance! Lucky you!

Choose the Bigger Life; No Pressure Knitting.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox – it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own One-Sentence Journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my Lists, etc.

But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s Personal Commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top, or on the “more” running down the right side.)

Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox. These are resolutions posted by other people that I’m going to start to follow myself:

1. Say “I love you” every day
2. Choose the bigger life
3. Read books with my children
4. Laugh with my wife daily [ok, I’ll change this to “husband”]
5. Kindness
6. Put clothes away

I don’t knit, so I won’t follow the resolution “No pressure knitting,” but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.

One note: I see that a lot of people have the resolution to “Drink more water.” It’s not clear that this is a helpful resolution. Maybe you don't need to drink more water. If you love drinking water, then by all means, drink water, but from what I can see, the benefits are quite overblown, so you don’t need to worry about this too much.

We all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so make sure you’re getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. You'd probably be better off using your precious resolution-energy toward going for a ten-minute walk instead of trying to drink water.

What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness projects?

* Ashby Jones at the Wall Street Journal law blog did a two-part interview with me this week. We had a great time talking about happiness, lawyers, and career choices in general.
Part I
Part II

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting commentary there.

Six Tips for Coping with the Fact that You've Forgotten Someone's Name.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for coping with the fact that you don’t remember a person’s name.

If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names, or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a three-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!

In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces -- people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I got to social events without him.

So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:

1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you "David," but I know that’s not right.”

2. The “Of course I know you -- in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”

3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”

4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”

5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me – what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”

6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.

Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of re-introducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.

* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.

* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

"You Don't Have to Live Your Life the Way Other People Expect You To."

From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.

Chris Guillebeau has a terrific blog, The Art of Non-Conformity, “unconventional strategies for life, work, and travel.” For example, one of the unconventional goals he has set for himself: to try to visit every country in the world. So far he has visited more than a hundred. I myself do not have the wanderlust gene, and I get a vicarious pleasure from reading about other people’s strenuous travels (a pleasure untroubled by any desire to do so myself!).

He’s also interested in “the convergence between highly personal goals and service to others” – a very happiness-project-y concern. Like me, Chris is a member of the fantastic LifeRemix network (lots of great blogs gathered there).

Chris and I have many interests in common – yet we’re also quite different from each other -- so I was very curious to read his answers to these questions about happiness.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Chris: Afternoon coffee breaks. It's not the most unconventional ritual, but it works for me. I try not to attempt much in the way of productive activity between 2-4pm most days. I've found that if I spend that time reading and relaxing, my post-afternoon work (and happiness level in general) will be much better.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That I am allowed to be happy. I used to be a fairly unhappy, resentful person. Part of that came out of a difficult childhood, so it wasn't necessarily all my fault, but I also believe that after a certain point you have to be responsible for yourself. When I started taking responsibility for my own life and not following the same path I saw other people taking, I became much, much happier. The shift was huge.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Trying to be responsible for everything and everyone. This is an impossible quest, of course, and whenever I try and fail, I become unhappy.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I tried reminding myself to be Gretchen, but that was confusing. :)

I really like the motto: "You don't have to live your life the way other people expect you to." It's something I've latched on to and used as the mantra for my crusade on convention.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
As I alluded to earlier, I used to be a very unhappy person. I became happier by a) carefully examining a number of areas of my life that were not creating happiness for me, and b) taking a series of small-to-big actions to change that. Over time it worked very well. I feel like I'm in the 92nd percentile of happiness these days. I think I'd like to go to about the 98th, so I'm working on that.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes. For me it begins with an active process of goal-setting where I spend a full week every December thinking about what I want to accomplish over the next year. I review what went well in the present year and what didn't. Based on that analysis, I'll set 3-5 goals each in 8-10 different categories for the next year. I then spend much of the next year focused on the things I identified as being important to me.

Note: If this process sounds excessively rigid or formal, it's really not. I'm more right-brained than left, and this kind of goal-setting is meant to be a creative, free-flowing exercise that I am also free to alter during the year.

I also spend a lot of time traveling, which generally makes me happy depending on the context and what else is happening. I usually go to at least 20 countries a year, including a number of off-the-grid places like Pakistan and Syria. That part might not work for everyone, but for some reason it suits me nicely-- so I've learned not to question it too much.

* I met Amy Krouse Rosenthal at a BBQ this summer, and it was only later that I realized that A) she wrote one of my favorite picture books, Little Pea, and B) her The Beckoning of Lovely video is very happiness-project-y. It's really worth checking out.

* As I posted yesterday, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.

If I Came to Your Town, Would You Come See Me?

As I may have casually mentioned once or twice before, I have a book coming out in December. Yes, it’s true!

Although it’s still very early, it’s time to think about the book tour. Although we’re all familiar with the idea of author appearances at local bookstores, writers are doing far, far less touring than they did in the past. It’s expensive, and for the most part, it’s an ineffective way of shining a spotlight on a book. Most books just don’t draw a crowd of any size at all, and often now, there is no proper book tour for a book.

As part of the book-tour consideration, I’d love to get a feel for how much interest there is here. So I’m going to ask for help: if you truly think you’d try to come to an event for The Happiness Project, if I came to your town, would you please add a comment below?

Or, if you’d rather, shoot me an email. Note “Tour” in the subject line to grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers).

Just write something like “Yes, I’d try to come if you did a book event in FILL IN THE NAME OF YOUR TOWN.” If you’d bring friends, add “and I’d bring some friends.”

These responses (or lack of responses) will be enormously useful to have. Thanks!

A Resolution I Bet You've Never Tried: Tweeting "The Waves."

I have a new (highly specific and quite idiosyncratic) happiness-project resolution, “Use Twitter to send out a daily quotation from Virginia Woolf’s brilliant novel, The Waves.”

I’m haunted by a line from Carl Jung, “The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” I often feel this way when I read or see a work of art that I love – I want to enter into it, play with it, make something with it, myself. But that’s often a frustrating impulse, because I can’t think of a way to enter into it on my own terms.

I feel that way about paintings. I love some paintings, but I don’t have anyplace to go with that love. It’s not enough just to look – but what else can I do? I tried going to a "Drawing on the Right-Side of the Brain" class (you can read all about it in my book), because I thought that sketching a painting might be a way to play with it, but I just don’t have that skill, or the interest to develop the skill.

With reading, it’s easier. I can copy my favorite quotations into one of my gigantic commonplace books. I have hundreds of passages copied in these books, dating back to fifth grade. I used to fight my note-taking impulse as a time-waster, but now I embrace it; how did I not realize the tremendous happiness it gives me?

And one of the things I love most about writing is playing with others’ work. In fact, it’s safe to say that each of my books has been, at bottom, an excuse to quote from my favorite books. Take Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill -- nothing give me more joy than quoting Churchill. One of my favorite things about my blog is that I can quote from, or comment on, my favorite books.

But some writers’ work eludes my grasp. I love it, and I want to play with it, but I haven’t figured out how to do that.

For example, Virginia Woolf. I love Woolf’s work, but it’s almost unbearable for me to read it, because I can’t do anything with it, except copy it into my gigantic collections of favorite quotations. I want to play with it, to build on it, to discuss it – but how? I can build Samuel Johnson into a blog post easily, but Virginia Woolf is on a different plane.

Those sentences! So extraordinary, so powerful.

Then I thought: why not use Twitter to engage with The Waves? I posted about this idea a few months ago (note: I love this post because it's not often a person can allude to Robert Pattinson and Virginia Woolf in the same breath). To send out a tweet once a day with a quotation from The Waves…I’d read the book in a new way, and I’d appreciate its beauty in a new way. Would other people find this obscure or boring? Maybe, but it’s very difficult to know what will resonate with other people. I’m going to do it -- at the very least, it will make me happy.

Here’s my first one, one of my favorite lines in all of literature and one of my personal koans: “Rhoda has rocked her ships to shore. Whether they have anchored, whether they have foundered, she cares no longer.”

At first, I hesitated. Should I quote from the book in order? How long should I continue? Is it disrespectful to Woolf’s masterpiece to cut it up and dole it out in this way? I decided not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good: I will quote out of order, I’ll do it for as long as it’s engaging. There are so many astonishing lines in The Waves. They will have a new power, taken in isolation and out of context this way.

Such is the nature of my homage to Virginia Woolf.

Also, after I posted about wanting to use Twitter this way, someone else was eager to join in. She’s not usually a Twitter user, so she started a Twitter account @TheWaves2009. So you can get two ways of getting a twitter-fix of The Waves now! Follow her and follow me at @gretchenrubin.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

"We Feel More Satisfied...If We Have Stirred Up Our Minds."

“A man does not work only for the sake of producing, but to set a value on his time. We feel more satisfied with ourselves and with our day if we have stirred up our minds and made a good start, or have finished a piece of work.”
--Eugene Delacroix

* Good stuff at Work Happy Now!

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 27,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.