Speaking Engagements

  • Austin, Texas – March 12, 2010
    SXSW
    Reading Stage
    4:30 pm

What Started Me Thinking

  • "Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
  • “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
  • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
  • “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
  • “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
  • “A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
  • “Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
  • “Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope

Happiness Theories I Reject

  • Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
  • Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
  • Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
  • Sartre: "Hell is other people."
  • Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
  • Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
  • John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”

To Make a Friend, Ask Someone For a Favor.

Outstretchedhand

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Here’s a resolution that might sound counter-intuitive: Ask for a favor.

Ask for help, for advice, for suggestions. Asking for a favor is a sign of intimacy and trust. It shows that you feel comfortable being indebted to someone. I remember a friend at work telling me, “I never liked that guy until he told me he needed to borrow $50 from me. Then I realized he must consider me a friend, and presto! I started liking him.”

Studies show that for happiness, providing support is just as important as getting support. By offering people a way to provide support, you generate good feelings in them.

So asking, and receiving, a favor generates good feelings on both sides.

Obviously, there are small favors and big favors. You don’t want to ask someone to take care of your dog while you’re on vacation unless that person is already a CLOSE friend. But asking for a recommendation for a good dentist isn’t burdensome.

One of my most helpful Secrets of Adulthood is It’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help is a very useful way of asking for a favor. I’m absolutely mystified by asking for help is so hard for me. So often, I can just solve a problem by asking for help—which is almost always freely and cheerfully given.

Happiness paradoxes: it can be selfless to be selfish, and you can be generous by taking.

How about you? Have you had an experience where you asked for a favor -- or were asked for a favor -- and the favor ended up strengthening your relationship?

* A very interesting study suggests that once you've developed muscle, especially during your youth, your muscles can more easily return to previous fitness levels than if you were starting from scratch.

*Looking for a good book to read over the Labor Day holiday? Please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

"The Less Money Matters to You, the More Careful You Need to Be With It."

Bissonnette

Happiness interview: Zac Bissonnette.

I met personal finance expert Zac Bissonnette when we were on a panel together, and I was impressed by his command of the research and statistics related to working, debt, higher education costs, and money -- particularly because he was still in college! He's now entering his senior year at the University of Massachusetts.

His new book, Debt-Free U: How I Paid for an Outstanding College Education Without Loans, Scholarships, or Mooching Off My Parents, just came out.

The relationship between money and happiness is one of the most complex, and most emotionally charged, topics within the large subject of happiness, so I was very interested to hear what Zac had to say.

Gretchen: Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”) Or a happiness quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?
Zac: A few years ago – when I was in high school -- my dad was going through a ton of financial problems that culminated in him living at a friend’s house.

My dad was born in 1948 and is a classic hippie; He lived in a treehouse in a state park for awhile in the early 1970s, he’s a carpenter, and he is probably the coolest, most loving person I know.

But he’s never really given much thought to money. He always said that it wasn’t important to him and that it didn’t matter. So I was sitting on the couch with him at his friend’s house watching the Red Sox (weirdly, this was the same game during which Denis Leary gave his famous pro-Jewish baseball player/anti-Mel Gibson rant, which is guaranteed to make you happy if you haven’t seen it before) and I asked him, just off the top of my head: “Who do you think thinks about money more? You or Bill Gates?” And I’ll never forget his response: “Without a doubt, me. I spent my whole life thinking I was above money and that it didn’t matter and now it dominates my life and is all I think about. It’s like money is exacting its cruel revenge on me.”

I interviewed you once for a piece and you told me that “Money affects happiness primarily in the negative” and that’s exactly right. When it comes to happiness, the less money matters to you, the more careful you need to be with it. If you don’t like thinking about money and don’t pay enough attention to it, it will one day become all you think about.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness? One of the most discouraging things I see in a lot of young people is a defeatist mentality when it comes to their financial lives: “Student loans are a fact of life, and I’ll be repaying them well into my forties. I wish Congress would do something to make my life better.” I remember a high school history teacher telling our class that in a joking way – “This is the way it is: You’re going to graduate with a bunch of debt and it will be with you for a long time.”

The problem with this defeatist mentality is that it leads people to lose the financial game without even trying to play it. What I’m saying is this: Before you resign yourself to $20,000, $30,000, or even $100,000 in student loans for an undergraduate education, stop and look at all the alternatives and get creative: Is there a way to do this debt-free? What if I attend a cheaper public college instead of a fancy private one? If I work 30-hour weeks during the summer, my parents drive their car an extra year instead of getting a new one, and we sell some stuff on eBay and cut back on dining out, can we make this work.

I started working when I was in high school and saved a huge chunk of everything I earned – enough that I’ve been able to pay for college in cash without help from my parents. That makes my mom happy and if mom’s happy, everybody’s happy.

What’s something that people think will make them happy – and put a lot of effort into getting – that often doesn’t lead to the desired result?
Without a doubt, it’s the college admissions game.

In recent years, we’ve seen a considerable amount of research showing that the financial benefits to attending an elite college are not as strong as most people think. A study at NYU found that, once you control for SAT scores and high school GPAs, at least 60% -- and possibly a lot more – of the gap in earnings between graduates of elite schools and graduates of non-elite schools is eliminated. A study conducted at Princeton found that students who get into elite schools but attend less selective schools earn the same amount of money as students who attend elite schools.

In other words, a tremendous amount of stress and an entire cottage industry of admissions gurus and magazines has been built around a shell game of selling people something that they often can’t afford that doesn’t deliver nearly the benefit that people are thinking it will – and very possibly doesn’t deliver any benefit at all. And they’re borrowing an amount of money that will impede their pursuit of happiness to make it happen and getting really stressed out in the process. It’s sad.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Everything in Gretchen’s book. [Awww, Zac!]

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
This is going to sound like a totally weird answer, especially because of my age – but I guess most answers to this question are probably strange.

When I’m not happy, I listen to Perry Como and it gives me an instant happiness boost. I first heard his version of ""Magic Moments" (an exceptionally cheesy, sentimental song) in the car with my mother when I was in sixth grade and, for whatever reason, ever since then I’ve turned to him for “feel good” music.

Incidentally, one of the better (and more apocryphal) quotes on happiness is sometimes attributed to Perry Como: “Happiness is a byproduct of making other people happy.” If Debt-Free U can help people make college selection and financing decisions that will enable them to have a shot at the happy life that I believe everyone deserves, I’ll be happy.

* I was intrigued by this study which suggests that people who have something to do, even something pointless, are happier than those who are idle. One question about the study, however: the "something to do" was to take a walk, which itself boosts happiness. So was the effect from the mere activity or from the walking?

* If you'd like to sign up for my free monthly newsletter, which highlights the best of the month's material from the blog and the Facebook Page, sign up here or email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com (just write "newsletter" in the subject line). About 49,000 people get it.

Trying to Make a Tough Decision? Try Asking the Five Fateful Questions.

Question

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: the 5 fateful questions to ask yourself if you're trying to make a tough decision.

When I’m reluctant to take a risk or face something uncomfortable, I ask myself these five questions which, in melodramatic form, I call the "Five Fateful Questions." They help me think clearly about a situation.

What am I waiting for?
What would I do if I weren’t scared?
What steps would make things easier?
What would I do if I had all the time and money in the world?
What is the worst, and the best, that could happen?

For example, when I considered switching from law to writing, I thought, “I’m moving to New York, the publishing capitol of the country. I have friends who are agents and writers who can give me advice. I have an idea for a book that I’m dying to write, and in fact, I’ve already started writing it. I really want to be a writer. What am I waiting for?” Nothing. I made the switch.

What about you? Do you ask yourself these questions -- or do you have a question of your own? I suspect there are more than five fateful questions! Though that phrase does have a nice ring to it. Which ones have I overlooked?

* I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Unclutterer.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 49,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Video: Start a Collection. It's Fun!

2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year – and even if you haven’t officially signed up for the challenge -- this month's focus is Fun, and last week’s resolution was to Abandon a fun project. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Start a collection.

Do you collect anything -- if so, what? Does your collection make you happier?

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Why "having a mission" can make you happier.
What do you find fun?--a question I find surprisingly difficult to answer; how about you?
Eight tips for sparking your creativity.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* A thoughtful reader suggested that I read the commencement address that Steve Jobs gave at Stanford at 2005. "Stay hungry. Stay foolish."

* Please subscribe to my YouTube Channel. To get the weekly video by email, right in your email in-box, you can:
-- On the GretchenRubin channel page, after you subscribe, click "Edit Subscription" and check the box, “Email me for new uploads.” Or...
-- Go to your main drop-down box, click “Subscriptions,” find the GretchenRubin channel, click “Edit Subscriptions,” and check “Email me for new uploads” there.

Does "Relationship Talk" Boost Happiness? For Women, Yes; For Men, No.

Talking I've noticed that many people are fascinated by the happiness differences between men and women. For the most part, in my research and reflection, I don’t focus overmuch on this, because I think it obscures the differences among individuals. In particular, when I focus on the way “men” generally behave, I start to lump my husband along with half of humanity. I find myself feeling angry or annoyed with him for things he hasn’t even done!

However, I did read some very interesting observations along these lines in 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, by research professor Terri Orbuch, who is the project director of the Early Years of Marriage research project (although the project has been going on for more than twenty years, so it's not just early years any more).

The book was interesting on many fronts, but one discussion particularly caught my eye. Orbuch concludes that after the first years of marriage, a difference arises in how men and women perceive “relationship talk.” Wives feel reassured by relationship talk, because it makes them feel closer to their husbands; men find relationship talk upsetting, because they associate it with marital problems and blame, and they often interpret such talk as nagging.

It’s certainly easy to see how this dynamic could be extremely unhelpful.

When I mentioned this finding to my husband, he said, "You can see why men would feel that way." "Yes," I said, "and I can also see why women would feel the way they do. And why this could be an unfortunate pairing of attitudes!"

How do you feel about “relationship talk”? Do you find it reassuring or upsetting?

* Because I love to read so much, I'm always looking for new great sources of suggestions, so I was thrilled to discover Flashlight Worthy. -- "handpicked book recommendations on hundreds of topics."

* If you'd like a personalized, signed bookplate to put in your copy of The Happiness Project, email me your name, or someone else's name, and I'll send it right off. Feel free to ask for as many bookplates as you like. My email is grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. Don't forget to include your mailing address.

“Nature, Which Makes Nothing Durable, Always Repeats Itself So That Nothing Which It Makes May Be Lost.”

Wilde “Nature, which makes nothing durable, always repeats itself so that nothing which it makes may be lost.”
--Oscar Wilde

* Back at home! I loved being away, but I'm so happy to be back.

* Are you reading The Happiness Project with a group? I've prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, spirituality book group, and the like. If you'd like either discussion guide (or both!), email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.

"Feel What You Feel, Even If It's Not What You'd Like To Be Feeling."

Stephaniedolgoff Happiness interview: Stephanie Dolgoff.

I e-knew Stephanie Dolgoff a bit from the internet, because I'd read her blog, Formerly Hot -- "a humorous blog about body image, beauty, aging, and pop culture." We crossed paths at a recent blogger conference, but never met. Last week, finally, I got the chance to meet Stephanie face-to-face just as her new book, My Formerly Hot Life: Dispatches from Just the Other Side of Young, is hitting the shelves. (Here she is on the Today show.)

Given her subject, Stephanie touches frequently on the subject of happiness, so I wanted to hear what she had to say.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Stephanie: GOING ON FACEBOOK. I KNOW IT'S A HUGE TIMESUCK, BUT CONNECTING WITH MY FRIENDS--AND I HAVE ACTUAL OLD FRIENDS WHO ARE VERY DEAR TO ME THAT I TALK WITH TONS ON FACEBOOK--ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL "GOTTEN." FEELING UNDERSTOOD IN WHAT CAN FEEL LIKE SUCH A SCREWY WORLD IS INVALUABLE TO ME. [I wrote a post about Why Facebook can make you happier.]

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
THAT THERE ARE NO RIGHT ANSWERS. FOR YEARS, I WAS CONVINCED THAT THERE WERE RIGHT ANSWERS, AND THAT OTHER PEOPLE WHO SEEMED TO BE LIVING HAPPIER LIVES KNEW SECRETS THAT I DIDN'T KNOW. NOW THAT I'M OLDER, I KNOW THAT THERE ARE NO "RIGHT" ANSWERS--ONLY WHAT WORKS FOR YOU, WHICH BY DEFINITION MAKES THEM RIGHT. IT'S ONE OF THE GREAT GIFTS OF BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUNG.

OOOH, ALSO: FEELING WHAT YOU FEEL, EVEN IF IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO BE FEELING. WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I'D FEEL SOMETHING NEGATIVE, AND I'D SAY "YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY" AND TRY TO SMILE THROUGH IT. NOW I FEEL IT, IT PASSES AND I MOVE ON. YOU CAN'T HELP WHAT YOU FEEL, AND IN FACT FOLLOWING NEGATIVE FEELINGS OFTEN LEADS YOU TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE THAT CAN ULTIMATELY MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPIER. WORKS FOR ME.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I RUMINATE AT TIMES. NOT AS MUCH AS I USED TO--I NOW CAN SNAP MYSELF OUT OF IT PRETTY EASILY--BUT THERE ARE TIMES THAT I'LL GO OVER AND OVER SOMETHING WHEN THERE'S JUST NO POINT.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I REMIND MYSELF TO LIVE CLOSER TO MY OWN TRUTH. THERE ARE SO MANY TRUTHS--TWO PEOPLE LOOKING AT THE SAME SITUATION CAN HAVE VERY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES. I TRY TO STAY AS CLOSE TO MY OWN TRUTH AS I CAN. WHEN SOMETHING DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT TO ME, I TRY TO LISTEN TO THAT.

If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
I HAD AN EATING DISORDER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER SO I HAVE TO STAY AWAY FROM COMFORT FOODS. FACEBOOK WORKS FOR THIS, OR BELIEVE IT OR NOT, SOAP OPERAS. I LOVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE. IT'S SUCH A GOOF, BUT ANY PROBLEM I MAY HAVE DOESN'T COME CLOSE TO HAVING AN EVIL TWIN COME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO STEAL MY HUSBAND.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I SEE SOME PEOPLE BEING TOO INVESTED IN AN OUTCOME--BECOMING A WRITER, FOR INSTANCE--RATHER THAN THE PROCESS (ACTUALLY ENJOYING WRITING). THAT'S NOT HAPPYMAKING.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I WAS VERY DEPRESSED AS A TEENAGER INTO MY 20S. EATING ISSUES, LOTS OF STUFF. I THINK A COMBINATION OF LETTING MYSELF FEEL WHAT I FELT SO IT COULD MOVE THOUGH ME, TALKING ABOUT IT WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, THERAPY AND AN AN SSRI HELPED ENORMOUSLY. SO DID GROWING UP. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MUCH TO PROVE ANYMORE AND CAN JUST ENJOY MY LIFE.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
WELL, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I DO--EXERCISE, SEE FRIENDS, TRY TO GET ENOUGH SLEEP--THAT ARE LIKE BRUSHING MY TEETH. I DO THEM BECAUSE I KNOW IF I DON'T I'LL BE UNHAPPY. BUT PROACTIVELY, I TRY TO LISTEN TO MY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS RATHER THAN SHUT THEM DOWN, AND MAKE CHANGES SO THAT I'M NOT STUCK IN SITUATIONS THAT BRING ME DOWN.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
I KNOW MYSELF PRETTY WELL, SO NOT REALLY. OCCASIONALLY I'LL MEET PEOPLE AND NOT THINK WE CAN BE FRIENDS, AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY'RE DIFFERENT THAN I THOUGHT, AND THEIR FRIENDSHIP MAKES ME ENORMOUSLY HAPPY. BUT THAT'S MORE ABOUT ME MAKING SNAP JUDGMENTS.

* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox! Eight free tools for your happiness project. Lots of fun.

"The Shorter My Possession of Life, the Deeper and Fuller I Must Make It."

Montaigne “It needs good management to enjoy life. I enjoy it twice as much as others, for the measure of enjoyment depends on the greater or less attention that we give to it…The shorter my possession of life, the deeper and fuller I must make it.”
--Montaigne

If you're looking for a good book, please consider The Happiness Project (can't resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

P.S. How To Get Your "Happiness Project" Fix While I'm on Vacation.

HappinessProjectcoverfinalsmall

Warning: Blatant self-promotion! It just occurred to me to say -- I'm taking a week's vacation, but if you want to read about happiness in the meantime, please consider my book, The Happiness Project (on the New York Times bestseller list for months, including hitting #1).

“Um, why should I buy your book,” some people have asked, “when I can read the blog for free?” Other people have asked, more delicately, “I read your blog regularly, so isn’t reading the book just more of the same?” Here are some reasons to read the book:

1. One smart friend who has read both said she thought the blog was process, the book was conclusion. The ideas in the book are presented in a more distilled, thoughtful way, and the book framework allows me to tell longer stories and explain more complicated ideas. I’m able to show how different ideas fit together, which can be tough to do in one blog post. The book goes deeper.

2. On the blog, I write about whatever subject interests me that day, so it skips from topic to topic. The book is organized by subject matter: Energy, Parenthood, Work, Marriage, Play, Spirituality, Mindfulness, etc. If you’re interested in particular subjects, you can focus there.

3. If you’ve been enjoying the blog, and you’d like to share it with a friend, you can give the book as a gift. You can’t give the experience of reading a blog as a gift, but you can give a book.

4. You can read the book with your book group. I've had lots of requests for my one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as the guide for spirituality book groups, church groups, and the like. (If you'd like either or both guides, email me at grubin at gretchenrubin dot com.)

5. In a book, you can more easily take notes about what applies to you and your happiness project. Underlining, highlighting, and taking notes in the margin allow you to engage with the material. (You can do this electronically, of course, but many people still find it easier to do with old-fashioned pen and paper.)

6. In the same way, the experience of reading a book is very different from reading a blog. You can’t curl up on the couch with a blog; you can’t read it on the beach or in bed or while you’re at your children’s soccer practice (well, you can, but it’s tougher).

7. I’m much more forthcoming in my book than I am on my blog. I call my family members by their true names. I talk about juicy episodes that I’ve never mentioned here. I reveal a very major fact about my life that I’ve never discussed on my blog.

8. Many of my readers have written that they want to buy the book to show their support—a “thank you” for everything I’ve done for free. Which I very much appreciate!

9. You don't have to take my word for it -- see for yourself. You can...
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

Ok, now I'm really off for a week.

Take a Vacation. Not a Change of Scenery, a Vacation.

Vacationpath I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I'm leaving for vacation with my family today. I thought about trying to post here throughout next week -- I've often posted during a vacation -- but I decided, no. Given the technology these days, it’s tempting to have a change of scenery and call it a vacation. But a vacation really means taking a break from work.

Now, I won't completely take a break from work. My laptop is my beloved security blanket, and I would never leave it behind, and whenever I have my laptop, I usually end up writing something or other. I keep my one-sentence journal, I take notes constantly, I have to write down ideas or I forget them. But for me, that kind of work is actually play -- I'll do it if I feel like it, or not, if I don't.

Also, I always feel the tug of work, but I really want to spend this time concentrating on my family. The days are long, but the years are short.

Do you ever find it hard to disengage, to take a real vacation?

Now I'm off to pack. I'll be back in a week.

* I love New York City, and I loved this eerie, beautiful short video that showed old New York.

I found out that The Happiness Project is #1 in Lithuania! (can't resist mentioning: also #1 New York Times bestseller).
Order your copy.
Read sample chapters.
Watch the one-minute book video.
Listen to a sample of the audiobook.

Gretchen RubinGretchen Rubin is a best-selling writer whose new book, The Happiness Project, is an account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier. On this blog, she shares her insights to help you create your own happiness project.


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